Britannia Waives the Rules

Russia. A marble staircase. Oz descends in his dirty, worn white underpants to join the others over a morning cuppa. The house is magnificent - another job well done. Today is payday and Barry’s contact, Ribrov, arrives to do the honours, in cash. After a celebratory vodka, the boys head outside in the blustering snow for a final photo. But the house explodes behind them, leaving them penniless and with no way home.  The lads head to the British Embassy for help. The Embassy is shrouded in scaffolding and Oz knows one of the men on the job – Gus, an old Geordie contact – who tells the team about the existence of the Overseas Estates Development (OED) department which arranges for British workmen to travel round the world fixing up British Government property. Dennis and the gang plan their letter of application on the flight home: "We are independent building contractors with a vast amount of experience … We recently reassembled the Middlesbrough Transporter Bridge in Arizona, which must count as one of the most famous erections in recent years."  The lads on the strength of this, they are offered an interview and their spirits are high, until they are brought down to earth with a bump, as Oz’s criminal record is uncovered and they are told he can’t be employed by the OED. But help comes from a surprising quarter when Neville gets a call from M16, and 'double-oh Geordie' fixes it for his friends to start their first overseas mission – in Cuba.

b: 04/01/2004

Our Boys in Havana

Having arrived in Havana, the boys are inducted into the Cuban lifestyle of Embassy parties, cigars, rum and salsa.  Their first priority is a briefing from department head, Turnbull, and to settle into their 'villa' on the site of the Ambassador’s residence, which they are renovating. Neville also meets their contact, Pru Scott Johns. For an embarrassing moment he mistakes her for his spy liaison; in reality, she’s more like their house matron, dealing with any problems 'financial, legal and domestic'.  They are also introduced to the gaffer, Trasker, who’s not best pleased to meet them. His favourite gang of renovators are currently working in Prague and he’s deeply resentful that he’s been lumbered with a 'gang of cowboys'. In a patronising tone, he explains to Dennis that they need two sets of plans: an official set and a set for them to avoid compromising security. The plans are locked in a safe at the end of every night – and only Trasker and Dennis have keys.  Barry (Timothy Spall) When the boys head to town to check out the local nightlife, Barry stays behind to call his therapist and Dennis decides that he can’t face a night out with Oz, who is still annoyed that Dennis didn’t stick up for him in London.  The first stop for Oz, Neville, Moxey, Bomber and Wyman is a bar for a lesson in mojito making, before heading next door for some live music entertainment. Their eyes are on stalks as they watch the sultry local ladies rumba the night away. One raven-haired beauty makes a beeline for Wyman. Little does he know that she is Trasker’s wife on a girls’ night out...  The next night, they are invited to their first Embassy bash, held in honour of the Cuban National Ballet, and Oz is captivated by the leading lady, Ofelia Ortiz. His sudden obsession throws him into a spin and he turns to Barry for advice, sparking a bizarre, mutual therapy session.  Trasker's attempts to get the lads thrown off the job fail. With his efforts risking 'our man in Havanna', Neville's secret service contact ensures that it's Trasker on his way back to the UK. Neville, meanwhile, learns that he's about to given his first mission.

b: 11/01/2004

A Gift from Fidel

Now that Trasker’s gone, Dennis has been promoted to gaffer. His first task is to arrange to pick up a gift from Fidel to the British Ambassador – a valuable antique bath for his newly renovated residence.  Dennis (Tim Healy) Dennis is keen, because it’s a chance to get out of the city and up into the countryside. But, when the boys discover they have to give up their Saturday off, no-one is happy. Wyman was planning to go snorkelling with Zoe, his new girlfriend at the Embassy; Oz has arranged a date with ballerina Ofelia; and Neville is meeting the oily Tarquin to be given his first assignment.  Nevertheless, they pile into the back of the truck and set off to Fidel’s country residence on a tobacco plantation. The journey there is relatively smooth and they load up the bath before grabbing a bite to eat, courtesy of Fidel.  They set off back to Havana with spirits high. Moxey instigates a game of 'road-kill cricket' with 'runs' for each team based upon how many legs dead animals have on each side of the road – four for a goat, two for a chicken and a single for a snake!  But then, round a bend, disaster strikes. A hearse has broken down in the middle of the road and the deceased’s family are wailing and waiting for the driver, who has gone for help. Dennis decides that the decent thing to do would be to help, so he enlists his team to load up the coffin, leaving Barry at the side of the road, sitting in the bath and reading Hemingway.  Once they arrive at the cemetery, it becomes apparent that they are the only men in the village, so again the lads help carry the coffin to the grave and bury the body. Time is now pressing on and Oz and Neville are increasingly anxious about jeopardising their evening activities.  Moxey (Christopher Fairbank)They race back to collect Barry, only to discover that he and the bath have disappeared. Panic-stricken, the lads head to the local village to report it to the police, leaving Oz and Neville behind just in case Barry returns. When Dennis and the boys then discover Oz and Neville missing, they all think something sinister has happened. "It’s like Agatha Christie," says Moxey, "Seven Little Brickies, then there were four."  However, they arrive back in Havana to discover that Barry and the bath are already there, courtesy of the hearse driver who returned to his broken down vehicle with a mechanic. Neville and Oz have also made their own way back. Oz's date with Ofelia goes well until Wyman, Moxey and Bomber spot the couple and gatecrash. Meanwhile, Tarquin instructs Neville to befriend a local businessman. To Neville's horror, he must pose as a Manchester United fan!

b: 18/01/2004

Moonlighting

The boys are settling into life in Havana and Moxey has discovered a little-known Cuban pastime. He plans a surprise night out for the gang and a rather sceptical team follows him through the back streets to a rowdy den where a host of men are crowded round a spinning table playing guinea pig roulette! However, Bomber obviously has the knack and wins a stack of cash, funding their night in the bar.  Oz (Jimmy Nail) continues to woo prima ballerina Ofelia. Barry diagnoses Oz’s symptoms as "one of two things – either you’ve got that Mongolian flu that was going around last year, or you’re in love". Oz wants to help Ofelia and he enlists the aid of Barry, Moxey and Bomber to fix up the family home. Barry is worried: "Moonlighting is a definite don’t," he recalls from the Embassy handbook.  However, they are undeterred and start recycling material from the site, working on Ofelia’s home late into the night.  Elsewhere, Wyman is following in his father’s womanising footsteps and seduces Tina from the Embassy, while Neville finds himself in increasingly hot espionage water. He is tasked with getting close to Michael, a Man Utd fan who works for a local pharmaceutical company. Nev has been supplied with a Giggs shirt to help break the ice in the bar: "Forgive me Sir Bobby," he prays – but it seems to do the trick.  Dennis (Tim Healy) It’s only Dennis who isn’t happy. He’s feeling increasingly ostracised as Oz continues to ignore him and everyone else seems to be having such a good time. When he discovers material missing from the site, he knows his mates are up to no good and feels that they are all against him. He confronts them about the moonlighting and warns that it's got to stop so they don't jeapordise the Cuba job.  Later, Barry reveals to Dennis that Oz has fallen in love with Ofelia. Dennis relents and agrees to help Oz finish the job at Ofelia's home. The gang are invited to a spiritual gathering by Ofelia's brother. However, Barry makes the mistake of eating the food - Ofelia describes it as poison, Oz realises it's drugs. On the way home, he loses all sense of reality, seeing traffic lights where there are none, and crashes into a fruit seller. The man has broken his leg, and Barry finds himself in a familiar situation - locked up in a foregin country.

b: 25/01/2004

Dangerous Liaisons

Pru from the Embassy has managed to visit Barry and tries to reassure the gang that they are doing everything they can to help. But the Cubans have turned up Barry’s Russian connections and are convinced that he is a spy. Neville's horrified. However, Tarquin is happy that the heat is off Neville. He continues to test Neville’s nerve by getting him to undertake increasingly risky missions in his espionage campaign.  Ofelia is going on tour to Santiago and Oz offers to go as her roadie as he can’t bear the thought of them being apart. However, the Cuban authorities aren’t as keen. They’ve been keeping an eye on the affair and inform the Embassy that they want it to end. Turnbull gives Dennis the task of breaking the news to Oz.  Wyman (Noel Clarke)To add to Dennis’s woes, Chrissy arrives to visit him and her son, Wyman. Wyman is gutted that his mum has turned up and Dennis is shocked. Bomber, however, convinces Dennis to go with the flow - she’s either his eternal flame or a bit of passion in the sun – Dennis owes it to himself to find out. Dennis heeds his advice and starts seeing more of Chrissy.  Meanwhile, Oz and Ofelia are forced to sneak around in order to see each other. And Neville's career as a spy takes an unexpected turn when he's bundled into the back of a car and driven away in the middle of the night.

b: 01/02/2004

The End of the Affair

Driven through the dark, back streets of Havana, a terrified Neville has been kidnapped. Left alone in a strange house, he makes a desperate call to Brenda, but his words ring out on the answerphone in his empty home.  Oz (Jimmy Nail) When Pru arrives, Neville's gob-smacked. She explains that his supposed contact, Tarquin, is a rogue and has been acting alone. She needs Neville’s help to spring a trap. Shocked, Neville agrees, but also discovers news that will interest the rest of the boys, especially Oz. Apparently, Ofelia’s brother, Raul, is stirring up the trouble in Oz and Ofelia’s blossoming relationship.  Meanwhile, Barry is festering in jail. His condition has deteriorated and he is becoming increasingly desperate. When Oz visits, he's devastated to see how much his friend is suffering. Oz makes a heart-breaking decision in order to save his friend. He tells Raul that he'll stop seeing Ofelia, if he pulls strings to get Barry out of jail. Raul agrees. Barry's released, and Oz bids farewell to Ofelia.  Neville (Kevin Whately)In the final showdown between Neville and Tarquin, Neville’s life is put in danger. But, after confessing to the rest of the gang that he's a spy, Neville's rescued by a timely intervention from Oz, Dennis and Bomber.  As the lads sit fishing, reflecting on their time in Cuba, they ponder whether Neville will be given an OBE in the future, under the cover of 'services to brick laying'.

b: 08/02/2004