25/10/1982      Hey, Look Me Over

Just as the nurses return to a shambles after a bug out, Margaret learns that Col. Beatrice Bucholz, a very tough inspector and an even bigger by-the-book battleax than Hot Lips herself, is on her way to the 4077th MASH for a inspection. Hawkeye's attempts to hit on the nurses during cleanup are met only by putoffs and rebuffs by everyone except Kellye who isn't pretty as some of the others but would like to be teased by him. They dance at the officer's club, but when the music gets slow, Hawkeye breaks thing off and checks out other women, ignoring poor Kellye.  When Col. Bucholz arrives, she is especially tough on Margaret, turning her into a tyrant. Kellye angrily confronts Hawkeye in the scrub room, and "Hot Head" Houlihan, humiliated by the commotion, furiously admonishes Hawkeye and Kellye for shouting loudly. Hawkeye later learns a lesson about inner beauty when he sees Kellye confront a dying patient. At the officers' club that night, Margaret is ecstatic to learn she's been given a satisfactory rating by Col. Bucholz, and Hawk and Kel end by dancing alone, together.

01/11/1982      Trick or Treatment

It's Halloween time at the 4077th and party time at Rosie's. Hawkeye is planning to go to the party as Superman, B.J. as a clown, Klinger as a gangster, Potter, a cowboy, and Hot Lips a geisha girl. Charles doesn't like Halloween, and since he's on duty, he has to go get a billiard ball out of a Marine's mouth. The party is ruined when lots of casualties arrive. The doctors have to call for Father Mulcahy, who is at the orphanage for a Halloween party there, because a solider is brought in dead. Col. Potter tries to explain to Charles that Halloween is about getting scared, not partying. He starts off a flurry of ghost stories with his story about his wife Mildred having a dream in 1939 about her brother Calvin coming into her room sitting on her bed, and shaking his head at her kind of sadly; the next morning, she learns her brother had succumbed to a heart attack. The generator then goes half-power and more causalities show up, some of them drunks from Rosie's. Hawkeye regales a tale of his uncle following a ship, The Luck Of The Irish, into safe port, and then watching the ship sail back out to sea; the uncle then finds out that The Luck Of The Irish sank over 20 years ago. And then, even more casualties come. The dead man is still lying on the ground, but he really isn't dead, his hand twitches right as he is covered by a sheet. Margaret tells a story about a woman taking a picture of her husbands car wreck, and when the film is developed, her husband is standing there, wearing the suit she bought for his funeral. The not-so-dead man is finally loaded into a truck by Graves Registration men while Hawkeye tries to get a malnourished soldier, Scala, to eat.  Scala has his own ghost story to tell: he confesses to Hawkeye that all his soldier friends (Bertelson, Wooster and Greenway) were killed while he was in the chow line getting food, so he stopped eating because, if he hadn't been such a pig, he would have died with his friends and wouldn't have to live with the memory of seeing their dead, surprised faces. Hawkeye arranges plans to call for Sidney Freeman and Father Mulcahy arrives from the orphanage. On learning of the dead soldier from Hawk and that he was Catholic, Father wishes to give him Last Rites, and stops the men from Graves Registration just as they haul the corpse away. While administering The Rites, the man sheds a tear and Father Mulcahy yells for Hawkeye. The soldier was never dead to begin with, but with more holes in him than a golf course and being with no pulse and no heartbeat, the people at the battallion aid station he was brought to passed him on as dead to the 4077th. And the people at the 4077th, after they see the toe-tag on a man, they take it to mean he is dead and don't bother seeing if he is or isn't! Everyone is amazed at the soldier coming back from the dead and Col. Potter congratulates Father Mulcahy on saving a life. Charles is frightened out of his wits when the his lamp starts to move on its own! In reality its only B.J. pulling on a string that is attached to the lamp and brought around the tent to B.J.'s hand.

08/11/1982      Foreign Affairs

The Army tries to get a North Korean pilot to defect, and Charles gets a rude shock when he falls for a French nurse with a Bohemian past.

11/11/1982      The Joker is Wild

When everyone, especially Hawkeye, grows tired of BJ's constant immature jokes, they are reminded of Trapper, who was well-known for his joke prowess. BJ then challenges that he can pull a joke on all of them in 24 hours...or he'll do a striptease in the mess tent.  Charles is the first joke recipient when he finds a snake in his bed, followed by Potter, whose toothpaste has been replaced with shaving cream. Hot Lips falls next, as the rear end of her robe has been cut out, followed by Father Mulcahey, who eats highly peppered food.  Hawkeye begins to become paranoid, and acts strangely around a visiting surgeon from the 8063 MASH because he is an old friend of BJ's. This paranoia increases when Klinger falls victim to an exploding file drawer, and he becomes the only one left. Finally, Hawkeye takes his cot outside and sleeps surrounded by barbed wire.  The next morning, Hawkeye claims victory, but BJ reveals that everyone was in on the joke, and that Hawkeye's paranoia was the greatest joke of all, so he sings "You're The Tops" while dropping his bottoms.  But Hawkeye is never one not to have the last laugh, and manages to shave off half of BJ's moustache while he's asleep!

22/11/1982      Who Knew?

Hawkeye volunteers to deliver the eulogy for a dead nurse that he briefly dated, and belatedly discovers her deep feelings for him.

28/11/1982      Bombshells

Posing the theory that people will believe in anything, Charles and Hawkeye start a rumor that Marilyn Monroe plans to visit the 4077th, which gets everyone excited. Meanwhile, B.J. feels responsible when he's unable to rescue a wounded soldier, and is less than impressed when he is presented with a Bronze Star.

06/12/1982      Settling Debts

Hawkeye and the crew surprise Colonel Potter with a party to commemorate Mildred's final payment on the couple's mortgage.

13/12/1982      Moon is Not Blue

With the camp facing prohibition, and a severe medical supply shortage, during another heat wave, Hawkeye resolves to lift morale by importing a racy new movie.

20/12/1982      Run For the Money

When an Olympic runner assigned to the 4077th fails to materialize, Father Mulcahy must save the camp's honor in a high-stakes footrace against the 8063rd.

03/01/1983      U.N., the Night and the Music

A United Nations delegation tours the 4077th - a Swede, a Hindu, and a British officer - and each leaves a lasting effect on the men and women of the camp.

10/01/1983      Strange Bedfellows

The 4077th faces a sleepless night as Charles's snoring keeps B.J. and Hawkeye from counting sheep. Meanwhile, Colonel Potter discovers that his son-in-law, Bob Wilson, has had an affair.

24/01/1983      Say No More

A military strategist refuses to accept responsibility for the war games that have mortally wounded his own son. And Margaret develops laryngitis, as she is about to meet her hero, Dr. Chesler.

07/02/1983      Friends and Enemies

Margaret gets a phonograph, but no records, and proceeds to get friendly with Charles to get some of his. Meanwhile, Woody Cooke, an old friend of Potter's, arrives at the 4077th as part of a group of wounded. Hawkeye learns from another man that Woody wandered in during fighting and started giving orders to stay, inflicting even more injuries. Hawkeye tells Potter, who reacts defensively at first but determines the men are right and confronts Woody on his reckless behavior, telling him he will report him. Woody doesn't take the news well and storms out, thus ending a 40 year friendship. Meanwhile BJ, who is confined to the swamp after hurting his foot, tries to manipulate both Charles and Margaret so he won't have to hear any more of Charles's records, but they wise up to him and get back at him.

Give and Take

Potter returns from Seoul to learn that Charles failed to fulfill his charity officer duties on payday. The duty gets traded and bartered among the 4077th medical staff and is finally reverted to Charles. In the meantime, a wounded North Korean comes in, soon followed by the GI who shot him. The two men are placed next to each other, making the American soldier uncomfortable. The North Korean, surprisingly, shows generosity to him but later dies and the GI feels remorse. He talks to Potter who suggests it should be a rule of war to know your enemy before you can do them in. Charles finally solves his charity collection problems by contributing for everyone.

21/02/1983      As Time Goes By

Charles reads about a time capsule being buried under a Los Angeles skyscraper, inspiring Margaret to do one for the 4077. Hawkeye volunteers to help but Margaret is skeptical he will treat it as a joke. In the meantime, BJ plays a joke on Sgt. Rizzo, who gets retribution when he brings a phony handgrenade into the showere where BJ is showering. Soon-Li Hahn, a young Korean woman, is accused of firing at GIs, but denies it, and she is later proven innocent. Hot Lips and Hawkeye end up doing separate time capsule solicitations and conflict with each other. When time arrives for the unit to gather for the time capsule burial, Margaret learns Hawkeye has selected some very appropriate items: a fan belt from a helicopter, Radar O'Reilly's teddy bear (standing for all the soldiers who arrived as boys and left as men), and a fishing hook once belonging to Henry Blake (standing for all the soldiers who never made it home). A pair of boxing gloves are also contributed, courtesy of Father Mulcahy ("In the future, if countries feel the need to go to war, they can use these to settle it!"). Best of all, Margaret and Hawkeye decide to bury not just the capsule, but the hatchet as well.

28/02/1983      Goodbye, Farewell and Amen (TV Movie)

Allan Arbus (Sidney Freedman)

Although reports that the war is almost over reach the camp with increasing frequency, the 4077th is still full with refugees and prisoners of war. Fresh casualties pour in as both sides try to gain ground before the armistice. A deeply troubled Hawkeye has been sent away to the psychiatric hospital where Dr. Sidney Freedman tries to help him find the cause of his breakdown, which is associated with a tragic incident on a trip back from R&R at the beach.  Other members of the unit are coping with the final days of war, and making plans to get out: Hot Lips's father is trying to find her a glamorous Army post; B.J. is determined to make it back for his daughter's birthday; Charles wants a plum appointment at a Boston hospital; Klinger worries about Soon-Lee's attempts to find her parents. A runaway Army tank that crashes into the compound and destroys the half-built latrine interrupts the normal business of the camp.  This has two results. First, Charles wanders off to relieve himself and stumbles on a group of Chinese musicians. They surrender and come back with him to the camp. Second, the enemy spots the tank and begins to shell the base. Father Mulcahy bravely ventures out under fire to release the POWs, a shell explodes near him, and he suffers a mild concussion. When B.J. examines him, he detects a hearing loss that Father Mulcahy begs him to keep from the rest of the company.  The barrage continues as the unit fails to move the tank out. Hawkeye returns to the 4077th and is called straight into the O.R. He is urgently needed because B.J. has received orders permitting him to go home, much to Hawkeye's chagrin.  Charles learns that he has been appointed to Boston hospital but quarrels violently with Hot Lips on discovering that she has pulled strings for him. He consoles himself by teaching the Chinese musicians a little touch of Mozart. Klinger, meanwhile, has brought back a reluctant Soon-Lee to the safety of the camp, although she is still determined to find her parents. He is obviously in love.  The pressure on the company is temporarily relieved when Hawkeye, who has coped successfully with his return to surgery, drives the tank into the 4077th's trash dump, but only temporarily. Fires started by incendiary bombs in the surrounding woods are visible from the camp and Colonel Potter orders evacuation proceedings: "Bug out!!"  The Colonel's desperate plea for a relief surgeon is answered unexpectedly by the return of B.J., who was already one-third of the way home when the Army recalled him to fulfill the Colonel's staff request. He misses his daughter's birthday, but the company hosts a birthday party for an orphan with B.J. as the guest of honor. Klinger proposes marriage and is accepted by Soon-Lee. He is overjoyed. Charles, however, is not so happy when he loses his "orchestra" to a relocation center.  The end of the war is only hours away, but the casualties keep coming in - among them Charles' flautist. Finally, the surgical teams learn of the immediate ceasefire as they operate on a group of desperately wounded soldiers and civilians. The war is over.  At the noisy, joyful camp party that night, members of the company talk about their lives after the war: Colonel Potter looks forward to becoming a semi-retired country doctor; Hot Lips declares she has opted for the States and a big city hospital; Klinger announces his engagement and says that he is staying in Korea to help find Soon-Lee's parents - to everyone's amusement; Charles is still going to Boston, despite Hot Lips' "meddling"; B.J., of course, wants to go home, yet refuses to actually say "goodbye" to the others; And Hawkeye? Perhaps, after all, he will not be going to the big city surgical post that he always dreamed of...  After Klinger and Soon-Lee marry and leave the camp in traditional Korean style, the other members of the company depart one by one. By now, the camp is a ghost town. Father Mulcahy leaves to start a new life ministering to the deaf. Hot Lips is kissed and hugged. Even her disagreement with Charles is reconciled. Charles himself exits with Rizzo in a garbage truck. Colonel Potter takes Sophie for one last ride before the orphanage adopts her. Finally, B.J. and Hawkeye go together on B.J.'s motorbike to meet Hawkeye's chopper. As Hawkeye looks down over the desolate camp, he sees a message B.J. has left on the pad: a GOODBYE marked out in stone.